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Does love have limits?

May 2, 2019   ·   0 Comments

By Constance Scrafield

It is given that, as individuals, we are made of many parts, which, generally speaking, agree to work together. 

In addition, one might theorize that our physical parts come with – hmmm, how shall I put it? Not emotional – that doesn’t go far enough – not spiritual – that could be misconstrued. Perhaps, a combination of the two: perhaps, psychological – but that is too analytical – too easily dissected, and artificially understood. 

Our hearts, lungs, stomachs, minds come with this “also” which, for the sake of this moment, let us call our “otherness.” 

I refuse to put humanity above the rest of the natural world. We have so denigrated ourselves in our duty to life, to each other, to the planet, in a way no other species has or would have done, that we can never look upon ourselves as superior beings, as we have been to wont to do throughout our history.

That is not entirely our fault; we have been told endlessly by our thinkers, philosophers, scientists how superior we are. However, it is like a theoretically intelligent person, a person ready to vaunt his/her intelligence but who smokes, is an alcoholic, is cruel and supercilious, declares war or indulges in other violence against others; ruins the environment intentionally, without consideration for the consequences to fellow beings within that environment, presently or to come.

We talk about our hearts and minds, particularly, in terms of their otherness. Our hearts are very “loyal”. We love with our “whole hearts.” Much of our sentimental lives are orchestrated by our hearts.

Our minds are an entire world unto themselves and hear this: no computer, no AI will ever be able to match the subtleties, capabilities and scope of – not only human, forget that – minds at all. 

In these days and ages, our minds are being repressed to be at their least. Education chips away at essential skills and sneers at the importance of playing at arts: drawing (to learn how to look), music (at least, for appreciation and, certainly, math skills) and Shakespeare (to read deeply the definitive mastery of language). 

It focuses now on the obvious, the mechanical, the numeric. Necessities they may be but balance must be maintained and what is being cut should be kept.

So, too, our “virtual” lives of superficiality, swimming through the mire of each others’ petty details, learning way more about our stranger-friends than any of us needs to, keeps us from real communication and actual relationships. Foolish digital games eat away our time with an addiction as tenacious as drugs. It all distracts us all the time. 

Love is a big part of that “otherness.” Of all that for which love is credited, it also cannot be satisfactorily analysed. The effects on all our parts that love creates can be discussed, but not love itself. Love is the major influence on all that we are. We cannot live without it and, sometimes, it’s pretty damn hard to live with it. Sometimes, it morphs, without warning, into something else.

When the essence and the initial impetus to love is forgotten or set aside for other impulses, then love – hence, everything – is at risk. By this writer’s philosophy, when a relationship loses respect, love might be pushed aside. Having said that, I don’t think love can ever die but it can be forced to give way.

We all have limited tolerances and we should. The trick is to know what they are and this is nearly impossible because we will hang on for so many reasons that we only let go when even the good reasons become overwhelmed.

The probable truth is, in any relationship, there are faults at all the ends. Parenthood, for example, is among the hardest and most important roles we ever hold. It is so difficult not to get things wrong, through missing a crisis, a turning point, becoming too distracted by life’s many foibles, forgetting to be with our children even when it seems they don’t need us anymore. 

Being married – whatever that means in any situation – is hard, too. The only perfect marriage of my acquaintance was based on the deep respect the couple had, each for the other. It was wonderful to watch. 

Otherwise, living with someone is replete with pitfalls and dealing with them needs to be led by the love that brought the couple together in the first place. 

Yet and yet, imposing on love so abusively that it becomes something else, is the biggest danger of all. Maybe, there are no answers, no resolutions; the trail ends and parting is all that’s left.

Let that be a time of civility when civility has had no say. Let there be three deep breaths and a moment of standing back to remember all the good there was in the relationship, so love will not be wasted. 

Give love its due and appreciation. Recovery will be easier.

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