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Monthly Message: When worry and perfectionism get in the way of growth

August 14, 2025   ·   0 Comments

Helping kids navigate pressure, expectations, and performance anxiety

Today’s kids face a great deal of pressure, not just to do well in school, but to perform in sports, music, and other extracurricular activities. While some nervousness is a normal part of growing up, for many children, these situations can trigger intense performance anxiety or perfectionism. These struggles can impact not only their success but also their confidence and emotional well-being.

It’s easy to overlook these challenges. A child might appear hardworking or driven, but underneath they may be scared of making mistakes, afraid to disappoint others, or convinced they’re not good enough. At WonderTree, we often work with families navigating this hidden stress and offer support to help kids thrive, not just achieve.

Signs to look for

Performance anxiety and perfectionism can take different forms: trouble sleeping, procrastinating, avoiding tasks altogether, or becoming upset over small mistakes. Some children redo work repeatedly, seek constant reassurance, or withdraw when something feels too hard. Others may become highly self-critical, saying things like, “I’ll never be good at this” or “It has to be perfect.”

These challenges can stem from temperament, but they’re often reinforced by outside pressures, academic demands, comparisons to peers or siblings, or a belief that their worth is tied to success. Over time, these beliefs can impact motivation, self-esteem, and joy in learning or performance.

What you can do

While you can’t take the test or step on stage for them, you can help your child manage these feelings and build resilience.

• Start with validation: Let your child know that it’s okay to feel nervous or overwhelmed. You might say, “It’s normal to feel this way, this matters to you.” Validating emotions doesn’t mean agreeing with every thought, but it does create a sense of safety and emotional trust. When kids feel heard, they’re more likely to open up and less likely to feel shame around their emotions.
• Reframe the goal: Help shift their focus from outcomes to effort. Praise hard work, persistence, and growth, not just scores or wins. Instead of saying, “You need to get an A,” try, “Let’s make a plan so you feel prepared.” This encourages a growth mindset where mistakes are part of learning, not something to fear.
• Model healthy self-talk: Children watch how we respond to mistakes. When you slip up, show them how to move forward with compassion: “Oops, I forgot, that’s okay, I’ll fix it and try again.” This shows that mistakes are manageable, not catastrophic.
• Set realistic expectations: Help your child set achievable goals and break big tasks into smaller steps. Perfectionistic thinking can lead to all-or-nothing beliefs, like “If it’s not perfect, I’ve failed.” By focusing on progress and small wins, you help your child build confidence and momentum.
• Build strong routines: Lack of sleep, poor nutrition, and too much screen time can make anxiety worse. Consistent routines support both physical and emotional well-being. Prioritize sleep, balanced meals, and time for rest alongside school and activities.
• Teach coping tools: Help your child learn practical strategies to manage stress. Breathing exercises (like box breathing), visualization, and positive self-talk (e.g., “I’ve worked hard—I can do this”) are valuable tools. Practice them when your child is calm so they’re easier to use under pressure.
• Avoid over scheduling: Even capable kids can become overwhelmed by too many commitments. Check in regularly: Is your child doing things they enjoy? Or do they feel drained or obligated? Protecting downtime allows space to recharge and grow in all areas, not just performance.
• Look at the environment: Sometimes the issue isn’t your child’s mindset, it’s the pressure around them. School culture, extracurricular demands, or comparison-driven environments may need to be adjusted. If expectations are consistently unmanageable, it’s okay to explore changes or seek accommodations.

When to Seek Support

If your child’s perfectionism or anxiety leads to distress, physical symptoms, or avoidance, professional support can make a big difference. Therapy can help kids challenge unhelpful thoughts, learn new coping strategies, and rebuild a healthier relationship with success and failure.

At WonderTree, we offer wraparound support to help kids understand their emotions, build confidence, and develop skills that will support them for life. Whether your child is neurodivergent, struggling with performance pressure, or just needing a reset, we’re here to help.

Pressure is part of life, but it doesn’t have to define your child’s experience. With your support, they can learn that success is not about being perfect, it’s about showing up, trying again, and knowing they are already enough.

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